Yeah! The house finally sold… yeah… I’m suppose to be excited, right?
Well, I am. Sometimes. Other times I’m a bit scared, which I guess I understand. I’m moving on to a completely new phase of my life and am still unsure about where I’ll be living in 25 days. But mainly, I’ve found that I’m just sad.
That’s right. Sad. I know, I know…how can I be sad about finally accomplishing something that I’ve been working on and stressing about so much about for the past six months? After thinking about it a lot, I think I’ve finally pinpointed the sadness coming from a sense of failure and feeling like I’m comprising the vision I had for Leo’s future.
I picked this house to raise my family in. I picked the mural my mom hung on Leo’s wall because I wanted it to be something special that he’d always remember. When I bought this house, I had envisioned him growing up playing on a swingset in the backyard and learning to play basketball and ride a bike in the driveway. I picked this house because I wanted him to attend the best schools possible and to live in a neighborhood where I’d be comfortable with him playing outside by himself.
I know it’s silly that I’m fixated on all of these things Leo will never know about. And that I feel like I’ve broken a promise to him and let him down. He’s only two years old, he’s perfectly content anywhere that has a ball, space to run around in and access to hotdogs.
So now, my dreams for Leo will change. A little. He will grow up in a loving household, and learn to shoot hoops and ride a bike, and all that other stuff. It’s just going to be with different surroundings than I had initially envisioned, and that’s okay. I’m certain he’ll be just fine with it, and so will I.